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No, I don’t care about your videos – and here’s why

No articles today, just speaking from experience and the fact that I guess everyone is going to agree with me.

Lately, many people have been sending me videos, and that’s what this rant is about. Because I do not like videos. Moreover – I hate them. Not video itself, I mean, of course I like watching movies, watching TV-shows, and I do understand that a visual, moving advertisement is going to attract more attention than just a still poster somewhere, or an advertisement in the newspaper. I can’t quite get a grip on what I really hate about them, I just notice I’m getting annoyed when people send me *yet another* video. However, at the same time, I understand it, a video might be funny, and people want to share funny things with me. It’s almost cute that they were watching a video and thought “whoa, I HAVE TO send this to her, this is awesome”. Still, that doesn’t mean I think it’s awesome, too.

Videos are everywhere

I’ve noticed that many websites are all about video now. Facebook has introduced autoplay, which I think is a nice feature. It shows that Facebook knows what people want: people do not want to click on a video in order to play it. Snapchat is becoming more and more popular, Vine is probably still pretty successful (I have never used it, because surprise! I do not like videos), people create videos on Instagram too. Vlogging has become more popular than ever before. And so, since everything is about videos, people are sending other people videos too, meaning I’m getting quite a few videos sent to me too. But I don’t like it! Let me show you a few reasons why I’m so tired of videos.

Videos on Facebook

Let’s talk about the videos on Facebook first. First of all, I’d like to thank Facebook for autoplay. But then there’s my problem: there is no sound. Of course, I praise Facebook for this too, because nothing is more annoying than random unwanted unexpected sound from a video you probably didn’t even want to watch. Seriously though, hasn’t anybody on Facebook heard of subtitles yet? There’s no way in hell I’m going to watch your video if you don’t have subtitles. Because if I need sound, it means I need to click on the video first. Then, the video player on Facebook needs to load, and we all know what that’s like: prepare for long waiting times, because Facebook likes to load some related videos too, which you probably could care less about. Then, your actual video (you know, the one you wanted to watch) needs to buffer, and it will keep buffering. You’ll be busy for at least 10 seconds just to watch a video that’s probably not even 10 seconds long. Is that worth it? I don’t think so.

People sending me random videos

Second, people sending me random YouTube links. YouTube is doing a great job by giving me a sneak preview of the video when it’s being sent on Facebook and Twitter (although this preview takes some time to load, which is annoying when you’re the one sending a video, because you need to wait for the preview to load), but in case of people sending me links somewhere else, I do not know what the video is about.

Worse are people sending multiple links in a row, who expect me to come up with a different reply for every video. This means I actually have to watch every video, meaning I have to click on every video and wait for YouTube to load, and then I don’t even know if it’s going to be worth watching the video. Also, unlike Facebook, people on YouTube don’t seem to have realised just yet that subtitles are an essential thing nowadays, and no, the standard YouTube-generated subtitles called Captions do not count. This means I am forced to look for my headphones. I mean, come on, there’s even a meme devoted to it, you should know you need those subtitles, and not captions.

a youtube caption fail
This should speak for itself (source: knowyourmeme.com)

Video tutorials

Third, VIDEO TUTORIALS. I can’t use this example often enough: sometimes I have some problems with my Adobe programs, and decide to look up a tutorial. What do I get? A friggin’ video. Without subtitles, or even without a transcript. There’s no way in hell I’m going to watch that video.

screenshot from the Adobe website
Shame on you, Adobe.

Another example? Fixing tutorials. Sometimes I have a little problem with Windows and would like to solve it, and what do I get? A YouTube video. Please, no. Honestly, I don’t get why Google puts video results first, and why websites claim it’s getting so much attention. I would prefer text over video any time. And not only that: I also have no idea when I am going to get my answer. Right at the beginning? Probably not. Somewhere in the middle? Getting close… But chances are, I won’t get my answer until at the very end of the video. And in case of Adobe: man, it’s okay if you like video, but at least give me, and more importantly: people who are actually unable to watch videos for whatever reason, a transcript.

a youtube bar
A fairly accurate representation of any YouTube tutorial video

What can I expect?

Fourth, in case of looking for the answer to a question: the unexpectedness. I do not know what’s in the video. Is this going to answer my question? If so, will it be answered immediately or do I have to go through a minute-long intro, complete with a guy telling me why he created this video (I really do not care, just give me my answer) and, of course, an introduction song? I can’t know. Like I said in the previous paragraph: I would prefer text over video any time, give me a transcript. I am a fast reader, and if I’m looking for a solution, I want it right now, and I don’t want to have to wait for my video to load, for the uploader to have told me why he created the video (again: nobody cares!), and I can quickly scan a text within seconds to see if it contains any kind of solution.

A fairly accurate representation of a YouTube tutorial video with a long intro
A fairly accurate representation of a YouTube tutorial video with a long intro

I am too lazy to watch your video

Fifth (alright, this is the last reason, I swear): I am just a lazy fuck. When I’m on my laptop, I am lying on the couch on my left side, leaning on the elbow of my left arm. This means a few things:
1. I am left-handed, and as I am leaning on my left arm, moving the pointer around with my right hand is uncomfortable.
2. My headphones are probably fairly far away.
3. The only reasons for me to move is when my arm goes numb and when I have to pee
4. I am very thankful for my touchpad to support scrolling, and am constantly using two fingers in order to scroll.

How I'm usually browsing the internet
How I’m usually browsing the internet

Since moving the pointer around is uncomfortable, I would rather decide your video isn’t worth my watch than click on it and see for myself.
Since my headphones are probably fairly far away, I would rather decide your video isn’t worth my watch than look for my headphones and hear for myself.
Since I am not going to move if it’s not necessary, I would rather decide your video isn’t worth my watch than move my ass, click on your video and see for myself.
Since I am able to comfortably scroll but not able to comfortably click, I would rather- JUST GIVE ME MY FUCKING TRANSCRIPT, YOU A’HOLE.

You might think I’m just exaggerating, but…

Now my previous paragraph was mostly about me being lazy, but what about people who are really unable to watch a video? Blind people, who need sound (and thus need to look for their headphones which I think can be quite difficult if you’re blind)? Deaf people, who need subtitles? Someone who just broke his hand and can’t use a mouse or touchpad? Someone who just broke his leg and is not going to move just to get his headphones? I might just be a lazy f*ck, but the truth is, there are people who do not have another option but watch a video with subtitles, or just read the text.

And then let’s go back to the people sending me random videos. Really, I used to just make up a reply (“oh, really nice”, “hahaha lol”) or just an excuse (“no, I really don’t like Pewdiepie”, “dude my headphones are somewhere in another room and I’m too lazy to get them”), but now it’s just a big “No, I am not going to watch it because I don’t want to”. I’m just done, you know? Done with having to click and see if it’s worth my time. Done with having to wait for it to load. Done with having to look for my headphones just to watch a stupid video. I don’t care how good of a friend you are, I am not going to watch your video, no matter how funny you think it is, and if you agree with me and have friends who don’t understand, just send them this article and they might understand.

Fuck videos, man.

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